My First Failure

Asset 3

Listen up, biz-homies. We all fail constantly.

I personally fail at 9.8m/s squared.

That is just the physics of failure.

Even more disturbing: if you are reading this, you are reading the words of someone who is still failing. I have no hope to give you other than you are not alone. Let me break it down for you: the only thing I was ever great at was mediocre art and mediocre sarcasm. Both pissed people off. What did I do? I rolled my eyes because I have the ego of a turtle on a motorcycle.

Lo and behold, I fell of my high, mechanical horse shortly after graduating but that is a different story…

…no it isn’t. 

Basically, I graduated as Cum Laude. I succeeded. Then, tragedy struck. I opened my diploma and hell unleashed. What was I thinking? I got a Fine Arts degree from a chummy program and although I mastered my senior thesis, nobody wanted to hire an artist over an actual graphic designer with an actual graphic design degree. I do not blame them. Why would they pick pleather over leather?

I will not even blame anyone but myself for my failures. This is just a story of how ego destroyed my life.

So, I graduated.

Even though I have five graphic design internships (three years total experience) under my belt, I’m still not good enough.

Maybe you’re asking, “Surely something was?”

No.

I ask myself the same question many times. What happened?

Let me tell you:

In a small town about 70 miles south of where I reside, I picked up a job in a small magazine company that had been around for forty years. Providing job stability, a challenge, and what seemed to be a dynamic work environment I was thrilled to take the position.

Then they interviewed me in a Starbucks…I should have known right then and there they had something to hide.

Upon my first day at work, I took notice of the office and its employees.

There was one part-time worker who sometimes did her job and a traveling sales woman with a nasty chip on her shoulder. The CEO had recently inherited the company from her father and had better things to do in a city roughly 250 miles away—I didn’t see much of her in the office.

Speaking of the office: the smell was one thing, but the holes in the wall, flickering fluorescent lights and piss stains (possibly blood stains) on the carpet were alarming. Apparently they had just moved and wanted me to know they were going to make it nicer.

False.

They had no plans of such a thing. However, like any well-minded millennial, I was grateful to have a job. Perhaps it wasn’t so bad driving 70 miles to sit in a shrunken closet on my own.

False.

Maude (a pseudo-name) was the crankiest, most negative and stagnant person I have ever met. She would walk into the office between appointments, take notice of my presence, and sigh angrily without saying a word. Naturally, I offered a cheery, “Hello!” only to have angsty, silence in return.

Soon, I began to realize she was a terrible sales woman.

…the company’s only sales woman.

I quit after three months; they went under three months later.

At least I can credit myself with intuition.

First, I knew there was no way someone as abrasive and stale could maintain clientele for four magazines by herself. Second, nobody moves to an office that icky unless they had to due to finances. Lastly, CEO’s of a family business typically take part in the business especially when they’re one of four people in the entire company: they don’t live nearly 300 miles away with the occasional check-in.

Three months have passed…

I have come a long way since I first published this post. Coming to terms with how my accountability has affected my mentality, I have embraced the total lack and total amount of control I have for my future.

I love laughing at myself and seeing into the past—my thoughts were spiraling wondering if I would pass the GMAT, get into graduate school, and find a job. I have since done all three, completely changing my life.

This makes me realize the true power writing has—had I not written this post, had I not begun the first step in dealing with my thoughts, I might not be the confident person I have since become.

I love everything that has happened to me, good and bad. I am fortunate and You all have made Entry Level Lunatic a dream come true.

All these pinnacle moments exist simply to define the future, self, and purpose. Thank you. 🙂

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6 thoughts on “My First Failure

  1. Awwww it makes me happy to see more and more people really make it! Thanks for the inspiration. I, too, was struggling with some issues but am now so hopeful and positive for my future. Your positivity inspires! Keep writing and I really love the way you do it too! Wishing you more and more abundance! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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